Cancer – Page 12 – CHASE AWAY CANCER

Why I Keep Writing A Cancer Blog

Right now, there are no known cancer cells in Chase’s body…

For the last year, this one good but crazy thought has rolled around in my head; nearly taunting me as I write. It wasn’t until the last, short and quiet hours of 2016, as I looked to the new year that I finally had the courage to whisper-soft, consciously acknowledge the question that has been almost too big to consider: Why keep writing about a cancer life when there are no cancer cells?

The essence, the seemingly most dramatic part of Chase’s story to date is already in writing, so why keep at it? …to what purpose? Who cares and who listens?

And by that last question, know that I don’t ask for general edification and kind feedback, but in genuine bewilderment: my boy, he carries a weight of rarity with him and because of all the 1-in-a-million type scenarios, we carry that weight too. And this weight; well, it leads to wondering where we fit into life. It leads to questioning how our story works into all the life stories around us – genuine, bewildered musing if, short of the ultimate redemption story and the end of time; there is a place for our words. Is there a belonging for this half life that is, in reality a full-and-a-half life? At times, making a big, written deal about all the ongoing feels like I’m trying to sculpt an emotional mountain out of side-effect-riddled mole hills. This is decimating…but not as decimating as a brain surgery or a death, so…

Oh yes, my days (and often nights) are filled with atypical happenings that can almost always be traced to either cancer or treatment damage, yet, everyone has atypical and difficult things in their lives. So, why write?

Then the answer came in the whisper-soft: cancer, side effects, hard days, painful seasons – all of it – when you strip away the specifics like mutant cells, broken bones, poverty, illness – all of it comes down to this: The unexpected. The unplanned. The unwanted.

Bobby and I used to joke about this during Chase’s treatment. We always said that one day, we’d write a book called “What To Expect When You’re Expecting The Unexpected” — possibly followed by a sure-bestseller: “What To Expect When You’re Expecting A Brain Tumor”. Super light and fun reading, for sure.

But it’s true, really. The hard things are often the unexpected ones – the “please take this cup from me, God” ones and somehow, I forgot (and will surely keep forgetting) that the ultimate fight is surrender and joy in the unexpected.

So, I will continue to keep a blog about cancer – or rather, a cancer life as it evolves. And I will continue on social media too. Because even though there aren’t operating rooms and oncology halls in our daily life right now, I desire to see God in the unexpected and our stories are not yet finished.

Moment by moment.

Because the best way to handle the unexpected is to have a strong guide who goes ahead of you…

Keep Running…

He contemplates a word he will never understand

Sunday, 31 July, 2016

Just before the sun rose on this day four long and quick years ago, the last unknown action of a growing brain tumor was finally known as my boy seized in the wooden crib of his baby years under the waning moon.

We should not have had even six months, and yet somehow, we’ve had four years.

They have been long and full of shadows and anger, but also precious with more joys than we deserve.

And as the shadows lengthen into longer life than we’d ever have dreamed, and we persist in this atypical life and it’s challenges, the words of Matt Papa have been close to my heart.

Lord I’m tired…
So tired from traveling
This straight and narrow is so much harder than I thought.
And on this path I’ve met both doubt and pain and I’ve heard their voices say ‘Yeah, you’ve given all you got.’
But there’s a cloud of witnesses – the ones who’ve run this race – and even louder than my fears, they’re crying: ‘Warrior, lift your face!
And keep running, keep running, don’t lose heart, and don’t you give up now.
Don’t turn around.
You’ve got to find a way somehow to keep reaching; keep fighting.
The pain cannot compare to the reward that will be yours; that waits in store for those who just keep running.’
Don’t turn aside…
No compromise…
Just lift your eyes to the glory that’s coming.
If you’re like me, you feel like you can’t go on, you’ll never see the dawn and you’re just about to break.
But don’t stop now.
Know that every sacrifice will all be worth the price when you finally see His face…
Just keep running…

Moment by moment.

IMG_7986 (1)

In Which Chase Goes Golfing

These days, it feels like we are waking up to bad and worse news every day in which coups and killings mix with hate and stealing. At times, even our words aren’t our own and too many are out to take advantage, so today, this week, I want to share something amazing with you.

These pictures represent a whole day of GOOD.

Nope, more than that, actually: a day of WONDERFUL.
It was a day last week when people came together around a common cause and lovingly, sacrificially sought to make a difference in the lives around them.

People were stepping out of their comfort zones left and right and you know what was left on the course?

Love and laughter.

We started as strangers and became family.

And to what end?

Nearly a million dollars raised for Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago.

So, check it, people…

No matter what’s in your newspaper, your in-box, or your social media feed today, there are a lot of amazing people out there quietly doing wonderful things all day, every day.

-MbM-

Chase with his new special friend and encourager, former Chicago Bears (and super bowl champion!) place kicker, Kevin Butler - you guys, this was a special connection for Chase — Chase with his new special friend and encourager, former Chicago Bears (and super bowl champion!) place kicker, Kevin Butler – you guys, this was a special connection for Chase

With Robbie Gould as we kick off the pairings party

Bob helps Chase sign his Lurie trading cards

Chase tries to jump for a "high five" from former Chicago Bears offensive lineman, Roberto Garza — Chase tries to jump for a “high five” from former Chicago Bears offensive lineman, Roberto Garza

Former Chicago Bulls championship center, Bill Wennington looks up to Chase's friend, superstar Matthew — Former Chicago Bulls championship center, Bill Wennington looks up to Chase’s friend, superstar Matthew

Chase has to get on Bob's shoulders to greet former Chicago Bears offensive tackle, James "Big Cat" Williams — Chase has to get on Bob’s shoulders to greet former Chicago Bears offensive tackle, James “Big Cat” Williams

Chase being Chase with The Ace Foundation's Chris Doucet — Chase being Chase with The Ace Foundation’s Chris Doucet

Spending some time with former White Sox outfielder, Mike Huff

Darcy and Harlow (Lurie patient and cancer survivor) show off their many autographs while representing the hospital

Chase gets lessons in using his new selfie stick from NFL quarterback Matt Blanchard

Chase and Harlow bum a ride on the course with their new best friend, Robbie

My favorite picture ever - Robbie Gould with some of the Lurie kids and their siblings. The love and joy in this picture is amazing! — My favorite picture ever – Robbie Gould with some of the Lurie kids and their siblings. The love and joy in this picture is amazing!

Amazing Women Alert! Lurie's CMN Director, Morgan Shea poses with Darcy and the Ace Foundation's Chris Doucet. — Amazing Women Alert! Lurie’s CMN Director, Morgan Shea poses with Darcy and the Ace Foundation’s Chris Doucet.

Heartfelt thanks to Robbie Gould, Erica Gabel, Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago, Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals, The Ace Foundation, Chris Doucet, Morgan Shea and all the athletes, vendors, and supporters of this incredible event!

Breaking Down The MRI Results – VIDEO

We’ve now heard from all of Chase’s teams.

Here’s a little update with a breakdown of what happened with the MRI and what comes next.

And because I love you, I recorded a video instead of writing a blog. But don’t worry, I won’t leave my day job. xo

#MomentByMoment #ChaseAwayCancer

There is a place between the good and the bad. And for now, I think it’s called survival.

Writing has become a dreaded task as I both wait for the final word from all the teams and try and process what happened today.

There is more growth.

But Chase is stable.

But there is more growth.

I have no place in my head or heart to understand all the negative words like “growth”, “larger”, and “most likely wait for surgery until they’re pushing on the brain” and then mesh them with positive words like “stable” and “overall, it looks pretty good”.

I feel the need to fight, but I don’t know what to fight because Chase has no symptoms and seems fine – well, okay, “fine” – even though there is more growth. And nobody seems to be completely sure what’s unfolding right now.

So, we wait for the final word from all the teams, which will most likely and ironically be to keep waiting and do this again in a few more months.

Remember last night when I was talking about the brokenness being a chance and a choice to walk with a loving Christ? Somehow, in this minute, I’m wanting to carve out a third path that’s neither self-condemnation, nor total reliance, but rather and simply: deep weariness. And perhaps path is a misnomer, for it would go nowhere, so maybe it’s best to refer to it as a pit. But that will bring visions of Princess Bride’s “Pit of Despair” and then I can’t help but smile. Perhaps the worst torture is not a water torture after all; but rather a regular scan schedule with inconclusive answers that slowly wipe figurative years off our lives…

Wow. What a terrible spiral this self-pity becomes. I pretty much and inadvertently just compared our teams to the six-fingered man. But, oh dear ones, tonight, in the rawness of these new results and words, I’m weary.

Tomorrow, I’ll pick up the pieces and move on in the moment by moment, but for now, tonight, I’m sitting here just trying to process what we heard and filter it through what life should look like, what we should look like, and who our God is to us when things don’t look the way we desire.

I absolutely don’t want to leave you with what’s become a bizarre moment of tying together Princess Bride and and the Christian faith, so please, end the night with a smile as I started the morning with one…

Today was quite possibly Chase’s smoothest MRI to date.

He was an absolute pro in the pre-op (even with the needle!) despite his fear, and even though his behavior has gone down with the sun, he woke out of sedation in the best, funniest mood I’ve ever seen. He made airplane noises, had absolutely ZERO short term memory (which lead to intense sessions of repeat questions), and kept telling the post-op nurse that Bob and I were in college and that she (the nurse) was very young and that they would be best friends “for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…” (He may or may not have been under the influence of Teddy Grahams…)

I can’t help smiling just thinking about it and so, once again, we live the truth that weeping is for a season, but joy comes in the morning…or, in five minutes with a bag of Teddy Grahams attached.

So, I’ll sit in the hole of weariness, I’ll laugh at the antics of love and life, and somehow, we will all move on in untiring Strength.

Moment by moment.

Chase exits post-op, too wobbly to walk, but sharp enough to work the nurses for extra stickers. <3